If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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