Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
