i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I am mentally ready for anal.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
