so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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