How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
