shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
