walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
