I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
This toilet bowl is my home.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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