I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
