I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I think i peed on brittanys purse
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
