my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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