Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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