Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
