yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
This is the prime rib incident all over again
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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