Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
