Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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