Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
