just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
