allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
