Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
