I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
