dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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