I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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