i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
