Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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