I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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