i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
