Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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