Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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