so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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