They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
