i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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