end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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