so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
