your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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