my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
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Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
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Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...