I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.