marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
