Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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