I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We were destined to go to rehab together
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
