I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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