I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
