you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
