he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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