We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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