ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
