I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
