Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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