I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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