I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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