I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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