I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you guys were way drunker than both of me
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So many bounce houses so little time
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
