Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
