Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
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noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
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I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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