I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
