I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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