My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
