you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
