My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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