Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
